


My Roommate is a Snake

by JoyfulOmens (IDontHaveACleverQuip)



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Alternate Universe, Aziraphale can't speak snake, Aziraphale thinks Crowley is a snake, Crowley is Bad at Being a Demon (Good Omens), Crowley thinks Aziraphale is a human, Fluff, M/M, Oblivious Aziraphale (Good Omens), Oblivious Crowley (Good Omens), Pre-Armageddon, Snake Crowley (Good Omens), They haven't met since Eden, incorrect pet care, they're both idiots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-05
Updated: 2020-01-14
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:14:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22123153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IDontHaveACleverQuip/pseuds/JoyfulOmens
Summary: Bookstores get pets all the time, right? No one, human or angel, would question it. A pet would also bring the comfort of another living being without the threat of selling books or explaining his immortality. A rather ingenious idea if he did say so himself.[Indefinite Hiatus]
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 38
Kudos: 177





	1. An Ineffable Encounter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aziraphale gets a snake, Crowley gets a human; or do they?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Betad by Mistress-of-entropy; Probably more tags as the story progresses.

Aziraphale was lonely. That was the only explanation he could come to for why he found himself standing at the entrance of a rather crowded pet shop.

Bookstores got pets all the time, right? No one, human or angel, would question it. A pet would also bring the comfort of another living being without the threat of selling books or explaining his immortality. A rather ingenious idea if he did say so himself. The cashier was currently helping a family pick a pet for their child, which left Aziraphale free to browse undisturbed.

A dog was a definite no, too needy and destructive for his bookshop. He doubted a cat would be much better, not to mention the smell of litter (even if it would help deter customers). Rabbits and rodents weren't even considered! As if he'd let those paper shredding menaces near his precious books. Fish required large amounts of water (a big no-no for his books) to stay healthy, and were unable to leave their tank, which defeated the comfort aspect he desired.

This left Aziraphale with two options. Birds, or reptiles. Both had their merits, but as a winged creature himself, he was leaning towards a bird. He was certain he could care for a bird just as well as he cared for himself, wings and all. Not that Aziraphale actually knew how to take care of a pet of any kind in the first place. As an angel, he would simply assume whatever pet he got would be fine and so it would be.

He entertained the thought of a handsome cockatiel for a moment, when a movement out of the corner of his eye drew Aziraphale's attention to a decidedly out of place snake.

"Oh!" Aziraphale gasped at the massive creature luxuriating on an open shelf. "And what's a handsome fellow like you doing out of your tank?"

The snake, a large black thing with a vibrant red underbelly and brilliant yellow eyes, turned to face the angel. It's tongue flicked in curiosity as it raised its head.

"You know, you do so remind me of someone." Aziraphale began to stroke the soft black scales, to the snake's apparent surprise and pleasure. The snake reminded him so much of the wily serpent he'd met in Eden, was it really 6000 years ago? The memory, while faded with age, had remained precious to him through the years. Whatever became of the kind demon, Aziraphale had never found out, though he did hope it was nothing too dreadful. Knowing Hell, though, it probably was. Poor Crawly… 

The impulse to have this snake struck, and Aziraphale had no heart to fight it. "I say, I wouldn't mind having a charming fellow like yourself around my shop. Would you like to come home with me?"

The snake quirked its head and tasted the air a few more times before it nodded and slithered up Aziraphale's arm and onto his shoulders.

It would have helped the angel to know that this sort of reaction was very abnormal for a _normal_ serpent of any kind, but Aziraphale was not experienced with pets, or most animals in general. As such, he was absolutely delighted for his new friend to climb his shoulders. 

The family from before were leaving as Aziraphale approached the cashier. "Excuse me-"

"Shit!" The cashier, Betsy, according to her name tag, stumbled back at the sight of the massive, possibly venomous, serpent wrapped around him. Aziraphale quirked a brow at the reaction. "Um. Uh. H-hi. Can I help you?"

"I do believe you can, dear girl. I was looking to purchase this lovely serpent." The snake seemed to preen at the praise, or perhaps it was just due to Aziraphale stroking its scales again.

"Ah. Um. We really insist the animals remain in their cages, sir." Betsy shifted, obviously uncomfortable at the loose reptile. 

"Well then, I'm sure you can explain why the dear thing didn't have one."

"Didn't have-?" The snake hissed loudly at the girl and she startled only to give a shocked second glance. "Oh! Oh, that's Anthony. No wonder he was loose." Betsy heaved a sigh, a mixture of relief and exasperation. "Honestly, sir, I can't say I'd recommend that snake to anyone. He's very hard to keep track of. Absolutely impossible to keep him in his tank, believe me we've tried." What Betsy failed to mention were the numerous times this specific snake vanished from the store entirely for weeks at a time, or how he mysteriously appeared there one day in the first place.

"I'm sure he'll be no trouble to me." Aziraphale insisted, his mind filled with how his customers would react to a large snake running loose in his store. It would completely tank potential sales, and he couldn't be happier about it. He could always miracle the snake back to its tank if need be. The snake…"Anthony?" 

Anthony hissed in acknowledgement.

"You can change it, if you don't like it." 

"No, no. I wouldn't take his name away. I'll get used to it." Not the name he would have chosen for a serpent, but perhaps better he didn't name it Crawly. Probably a little _too_ on the nose if Heaven were to check in.

"Alright…" Betsy sighed and re-affected her customer service voice. "I can recommend our best food options and enrichment for him if you'd like. Will you be wanting his tank, or do you already have your own enclosure?"

"Ah, yes. I believe I will be needing his tank, thank you." Aziraphale nodded to Betsy before addressing his new pet, "Come along dear, you can choose your own food." Anthony flicked his tongue and nodded at Aziraphale, who couldn't help smiling. 

Betsy busied herself collecting Anthony's tank, a little voice guiding her not to question and insisting that Anthony was most definitely a perfectly normal snake. Nothing strange here!

–––

Crowley could argue a lot of reasons for why he began living in a pet shop. Easy snake comforts, with frequent human contact for random mischief for a start. Easier still to come and go as he pleased, which caused no small amount of stress for the employees. Stress they would then take out on others and spread the soul tarnishing around. More than a few of the workers had quit since Crowley had moved in. Betsy was the latest in a long line of desperate hires the shop owner had taken on. She was good for the store, though. Treated the pets well and learned to ignore his shenanigans. 

While it was great for the store owner that she could handle the stress, Crowley found himself growing bored of the shop. It had been a few years by now, perhaps it was time to move along. Plenty of other places in London that could do with his special brand of evil. 

This just made the arrival of the strange man all the more perfect. Crowley would suspect divine intervention if he wasn't positive of his standing. Still a demon then? Obviously. Hellish intervention it was. The man's clothing was in pale creams and–yes, that was tartan. A puff of white-gold curls topped his head, and Crowley was struck with the passing fancy to run his fingers through it and see how soft it was. Luckily he hadn't any fingers right now, so that helped curb the urge.

It did not, however, prevent him from crawling all over the man at the first opportunity. _Handsome, am I?_ Vanity? From a demon? It's as likely as you think.

And oh, the human was _warm_. Then the petting started and Crowley completely stopped paying attention. Blah, blah, nothing more important to worry about than the downright divine feeling of warm fingers stroking his scales. 

"-hard to keep track of-" _Yes, that's me. Rather proud of that. They go wild when they can't find me._ Crowley hissed in pleasure.

"-impossible to keep-" _Wait…_ Crowley shook his head slightly and refocused on the situation. _Is that daft girl trying to keep me here?!_

Crowley hissed in irritation before the mysterious human spoke again. "I'm sure he'll be no trouble to me." 

If snakes could blush, Crowley very well might have. _Are you implying I'm NICE?!_ Once again he felt the temptation to switch into a human form and give this man a piece of his mind. The human was more perceptive than he looked, and at Crowley's angered hiss, started stroking his scales again. _Alright, fine. I'll let it go, this time._

"Anthony?"

 _You don't like it?_ It was a little late to be changing it if he didn't, but Crowley couldn't help feeling dejected.

"You can change it, if you don't like it."

Crowley was in strike position before Betsy could finish speaking. The only thing that prevented her untimely demise at the fangs of a demon serpent was the mysterious man himself.

"I wouldn't take his name away." Oh, that actually hit something a little too close to a heart Crowley _most definitely_ didn't have.

Crowley had lost himself again as Betsy continued talking. It wasn't often a person could say something so unexpectedly...well, _kind_ , even with humanity's endless creativity. Go- Satan, the last time he could remember feeling this caught off guard was in Eden! _He gave it away…_ Crowley huffed, which sounded closer to another hiss, and pointedly forced himself to tune back into the conversation. 

"Ah, yes. I believe I will be needing his tank, thank you." Crowley flicked his tongue curiously at the still unnamed human, who smiled at him. "Come along dear, you can choose your own food." 

_Food? Oh right, normal animals eat regularly._ Crowley nodded, _Might as well get this over with. Not like I have to eat whatever you get anyway._

As Crowley was carried away from the counter, he sent a demonic miracle at Betsy to keep her busy and unquestioning. _Just a perfectly normal snake, nothing strange here._

That would keep his former warden slash entertainment busy for awhile, allowing Crowley to focus more on this strange human who continued to carry him without breaking a sweat. Crowley was actually on the skinny side, even in snake form, but his overall size usually meant most humans feared to lift him without help. _So what am I dealing with here? A weight lifting librarian?_ He chuckled at his own joke, since no one else could.

–––

They didn't linger at the food. Crowley was thrilled to know his new 'owner' was completely clueless to pet care. While that would be terrible had he gotten any other animal, it worked out splendidly for Crowley. 

A couple plump feeder mice had been obtained, to Crowley's obvious glee. _Customers aren't supposed to take animals out of the tanks, you know_. His new human was already a little troublemaker! _I think you and I are gonna get along fantastically._

Aziraphale smiled at Crowley, only aware of pleased hissing from his new serpent. "Yes, they are quite plump mice, aren't they? I see you're a serpent of taste." Or at least he assumed so. Aziraphale didn't make a habit of eating mice, after all. 

_If you think that's taste, you should see my car,_ Crowley hissed, enjoying the banter even though only he was aware of it.

Aziraphale moved on from the mice, trying to recall what else he might need for his pet. "Now, Betsy said you like to leave your tank." He began thinking out loud. "And while I'm sure you'll love the bookshop – that's where I live, you see – but, it might be nice to, on occasion perhaps, _leave_ the shop, don't you agree?"

Crowley nodded. _Right, yeah, no fun never going outside. Big outdoorsy fan, me._

"Oh, splendid! Now we just need to pick a color!"

 _...What?_ Crowley quickly realized he should have been paying more attention to what his human was doing. Aziraphale had taken him to a wall of collars and leads and was now examining them against Crowley's scales where his tail had slunk around his human's chest.

With an angry hiss Crowley pulled his tail away from Aziraphale's hands. _Do I LOOK like a dog to you?!_

Aziraphale smiled and put the bedazzled collar he'd been holding back on the shelf. "Yes, I suppose it does clash with your scales, doesn't it?"

Crowley hissed louder. _Yes, it does! But that's not the point! I'm a snake! Snakes don't wear collars!_

"Hmm...It would be much easier if I could just ask what you liked." Aziraphale mumbled just loud enough for Crowley to pick up on. 

_Wanna know what I like? NO COLLARS! That's what I like!_

"Oh!" Aziraphale's face lit up with a _brilliant_ idea. Crowley would have benefited to be watching Aziraphale's hands instead of his face. If he had, the demon would have noticed when a perfectly sized tartan collar appeared from nowhere. And he might have had a chance to dodge when the distinct family tartan garment was clasped around his neck. 

" _There_. Oh, Anthony, don't you look handsome?" 

Crowley gaped at the collar which was just low enough on his coils he could see it. _Is that a bow?!_

"Now we match." Aziraphale giggled, and gestured towards his own bow tie. 

_Oh._ Crowley, sadly, knew exactly what expression he'd be making if he were human right then. _Well, shit._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm also on [tumblr](https://joyfulomens.tumblr.com/) and have a [discord server](https://discordapp.com/invite/G6vPRmn), feel free to stop in and chat!


	2. Thy Cocoa Doth Grow Cold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aziraphale: You’re a darling thing and I’ll definitely outlive you, but I don’t want to think about that right now, time to read.
> 
> Crowley: he hasn’t moved in hours...his cocoa is cold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta'd by the lovely [J_Anthony](https://archiveofourown.org/users/J_Anthony/)!

The door to A Z. Fell's Antiquated books slammed open with the gushing force of a freak thunderstorm. An inside out umbrella lead the charge into the building. How the books near the entrance didn't end up soaked before Aziraphale could shut the door was entirely by miraculous design. As if he'd risk his books over some bad weather.

The angel sighed in relief as the door closed on the rain. "So sorry, my dear. Was nothing in the paper about _that_." Humans did their best, but the weather was still beyond them it seemed.

Anthony hissed quietly, which Aziraphale took as a complaint about the weather. "Poor thing, you've gotten all wet, haven't you?" Aziraphale cooed at his new pet. The serpent really was a darling, wasn't he? "Don't fret Anthony, we'll have you right as rain in no time."

The flipped umbrella was banished back to the ether (or more accurately, the second hand shop down the street) from whence it came, as Aziraphale carried the dripping and cold Anthony into his backroom. 

Aziraphale was of the mind that there was nothing better than good, old fashioned wood heat. However, a fireplace really wasn't the best idea to have inside a bookshop. Aziraphale would never put his books at any risk if he could help it, so instead of a fireplace, the bookshop had a rather antiquated radiator. 

A quick miracle and the now dried serpent was coiled in a basket of soft blankets before the radiator, set to the perfect temperature of course. "Here we go, nice and warm for you." 

Anthony continued to hiss quietly in the basket, otherwise unmoving and unblinking. It took a moment before it occurred to Aziraphale what was happening. He had never seen a sleeping snake before. Was Anthony...snoring? 

Aziraphale melted. "Such a darling thing," and now Anthony would live with him and keep him company for the rest of the serpent’s life. While the thought of outliving his new pet was disheartening, humans did it all the time. Aziraphale was an angel of the Lord, he would handle any future pet loss when it was an actual issue. (Or not handle it, as the case may be.) For now, Anthony was warm and alive in the basket. It was all rather exciting, to be honest. Aziraphale hadn’t ever had someone to personally care for before, even if this someone was only a snake. 

Another snap and the serpent’s enclosure had appeared in the bookshop as well, nestled against the wall, already set up and ready to use. The poor feeder mice found themselves _inside_ the tank, fearing the future.

Having put away all his shopping and with Anthony still snoozing snugly in the basket, Aziraphale settled into his seat and lost himself in a wonderful book and a warm mug of cocoa that happened to suddenly find itself sitting on his coffee table.

– 

Crowley was quite flustered by the bow tie collar. _Tartan. Really? Nobody wears tartan anymore!_ All tartans were also owned, the last Crowley knew. Which meant either his new human was oblivious, or– 

He really didn't want to think about that 'or'. Because that 'or' meant that his new human, whom he'd known for all of a few minutes, had decided that _Crowley_ of all people (er, snakes?) was part of his family. _Absolutely ridiculous, is what it is._

Still, the Serpent of Eden found himself touched by the gesture. And frustrated, because come on! _What kind of demon gets sentimental about being considered family by a human?_

Crowley huffed. Then, just to spite his new human, he miracled a freak thunderstorm to hit on the walk to his new home. (Yes, a walk. Because this man apparently didn't have a car. At least Crowley didn't have to worry about the Bentley getting jealous.)

Of course, his new owner was little more than surprised by the weather, and pulled an umbrella out from Go- Satan knew where, to shield them. Making the storm worse only managed to get Crowley – and only Crowley, somehow – absolutely soaked. As a snake, being drenched in cold water was a very unpleasant experience.

He managed to get himself so cold that he slipped into a light doze to conserve energy, entirely missing the final leg of the journey. When Crowley awoke, it was to find himself in a basket in a dusty room surrounded by books. 

_Where the hell am I?_ Crowley flicked his tongue slowly trying to gain a bigger picture of his surroundings. 

Books. Piles and piles of books. Old books at that. What sort of hellish place was thi- _Oh...right. He lives in a bookshop._ Crowley remembered his earlier encounter all at once. Looked like that damnable collar was still on him, too. 

There was his human, sitting with perfect posture and reading. _Hardly surprising, he does look the librarian type_. The storm had clearly not hindered his new human in the slightest, despite the man walking here. 

At seeing his owner occupied, Crowley gave up the pretense of still sleeping and lifted his head to glance around the books. _So this is where my human lives, hm?_ Crowley continued flicking his tongue collecting information. 

The amount of books in the shop seemed to increase with every turn of Crowley's head. It was easier just to take note of things that were _not_ books. 

_Coffee table under that pile somewhere, I suppose._ Crowley slithered from the basket, which was actually pretty thoughtful of his human, so he made a point to ignore it. _Looks like his cocoa's getting cold. How long was I out?_

It looked like his human had gotten his tank in place and set up. Crowley didn't even want to know how the man had gotten his enclosure into the bookshop while he’d been asleep. They'd left the pet shop without it, and the storm Crowley conjured could still be heard if he listened hard enough. _What, is he a magician too?_

Slithering through the towers of books that really were everywhere, Crowley set off to explore. If his human noticed, he said nothing. At every turn Crowley found books. Some looking so old he feared they'd fall apart if he so much as sniffed them. He flicked his tongue at them anyway. _Ugh. Dust._

After surely hours of braving the book wilds (really only a few minutes but Crowley was always a bit dramatic) the snake shaped demon found a window. _Dark already?_ A flash of lightning reminded him of his not so brilliant demonic miracle. _Ah, storm. Right..._

The good news at least, was the storm would pass. Then, once his human (who he really should think of a name for, since the man still hadn't introduced himself) fell asleep, he could leave the shop and figure out where he'd been taken to. Maybe set off a few minor temptations along the way.

–

The problem with Crowley's plan didn't become obvious until later. Much, much later. Because when the antique grandfather clock struck midnight, then one in the morning, then two… Aziraphale still hadn't stopped reading.

 _Come on, already! Don't you humans need sleep?!_ Crowley snapped trying to stifle a yawn. While he himself didn't particularly need to sleep, he'd gotten into the habit. Now he was struggling to stay awake waiting for this… infuriating man to go to bed already! Aziraphale hadn't even MOVED since Crowley woke up in that basket by the radiator, which was calling his name louder with every passing hour. _For Satan's sake! Your cocoa is growing fuzz!!_

Crowley's infuriated hissing managed to be loud enough to startle Aziraphale away from what must have been a rather dry passage he'd been slogging through. Though, had it been a more entertaining part of the book, Crowley doubted it would have. 

"What- Oh!" Aziraphale’s eyes landed on the snake coiled on the windowsill. "Oh, I'm so sorry, Anthony! I didn't realize you were up." Aziraphale set his book aside and stood up stretching. "Goodness, how long have I been reading?"

 _It's about time you moved,_ hissed Crowley. _Now get to bed already!_ The Serpent of Eden infused as much temptation into his words as possible given his own state of tired frustration.

It didn't help. Aziraphale simply cooed at his 'adorable' snake and picked Crowley up off the shelf, once more amazing Crowley at his lack of hesitance to do so.

“You must be so tired and those glass walls are rather high, let me help you to bed.” Aziraphale lovingly booped Crowley’s snoot while he carried the not-entirely-serpent to the large glass enclosure. “I went ahead and put your plump little mouse treats in here as well. In case you need a midnight snack,” Aziraphale whispered conspiratorially.

Crowley was torn between being angry the man had just dumped mice into what was basically his bed at the moment, or being touched that he’d wanted to give him a snack. He settled for the middle ground, with minor irritation. _I’m honestly so glad you never picked an actual animal to be your pet. You really are quite awful at it, aren’t you?_

Aziraphale responded with a pleased wiggle. “You’re such a darling thing, you know?” 

_I am NOT!_ Crowley hissed as he was placed in the tank and bid goodnight. _Right, night, of course. What was it again? Two? Three, now?_

Aziraphale walked away from the tank oblivious to Crowley’s complaining, and much to the demon’s shock and frustration, he sat back down in the same chair and picked up his book again. 

_I can outlast you, you know! I don’t need to sleep! You’ll pass out eventually and when you do, I’ll LAUGH!_

Aziraphale turned a page. His cocoa remained untouched.

Crowley did not outlast him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chat me up on [tumblr](https://joyfulomens.tumblr.com/) and [discord](https://discordapp.com/invite/G6vPRmn)! I'm full of thinks! 8'D


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